Text of Putin — Prigozhin Agreement Released
For those wondering how Russia’s breathtaking existential crisis could have been resolved so quickly, I have the answers.
My sources on the ground have unearthed the particulars of the Settlement Agreement just executed by President Vladimir Putin and Yevgeny Prigozhin.
The full text of the agreement (translated from the original Russian) is as follows:
RESOLUTION OF ALL CLAIMS AND DISPUTES
Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, President of Russia (hereinafter “Putin”) and Yevgeny Victorovich Prigozhin (hereinafter “Prigozhin”), seeking to resolve all claims and disputes between them agree to the following:
- Putin shall remain President of Russia and is hereby acknowledged by Prigozhin to be the undisputed autocrat in charge of Russian governmental apparatus. For now.
2. Prigozhin shall remain CEO of the Wagner Group of mercenaries and all its affiliates. For the moment.
3. Putin shall allow Prigozhin safe passage from Russia to Belarus. No guarantees once he arrives.
4. Prigozhin shall order Wagner Group troops to cease all aggressive movements towards Putin and/or the Russian government, including its military. Again, for now.
5. Prigozhin shall be entitled to full possession of his 401(k) accounts, including all matching contributions made by Putin. Irrevocable.
6. Putin is hereby awarded custody of Tucker Carlson. Includes Carlson’s property in Maine.
7. Prigozhin shall have custody of Sean Hannity. Includes Hannity’s hair products.
8. Putin shall have exclusive access to all Fox News personalities on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Includes advertising revenues.
9. Progozhin shall have exclusive access to all Fox News personalities on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. Includes advertising revenues.
10. Putin shall have possession and control over two (2) Republican presidential candidates of his choice from the date of this agreement through the date of the U.S. election in November 2024.
11. Prigozhin shall have possession and control over two (2) Republican presidential candidates of his choice from the date of this agreement through the date of the U.S. election in November 2024.
12. The parties shall make their choices in alternating selections, with Putin having the right to make the first choice.
13. Putin and Prigozhin shall each have possession and control over two (2) Republican members of the U.S. House of Representatives, and two (2) Republican members of the U.S. Senate, selected as specified in section 12, supra. Includes covered parking.
14. Putin and Prigozhin shall share joint custody and control of former president Donald J. Trump (“Trump”) and agree to cooperate in the manipulation and, when appropriate, humiliation of Trump. See, Appendix I, “Kompromat Videos”).
15. Putin and Prigozhin agree to share access to all bathrooms, basements, ballrooms and other storage areas at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago residence. Includes Mar-a-Lago memberships.
16. Putin shall retain exclusive access to and control of Donald Trump, Jr., including but not limited to any supplies of pharmaceuticals and controlled substances of whatever kind.
17. Prigozhin shall have exclusive access to and control of Jared Kushner, including but not limited to contacts, sources and accounts located within the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia.
18. This Agreement shall be considered terminated upon the termination of either party to this Agreement.
WHEREUPON, The parties have hereunto set their hands, this 25 day of June, 2023.
* * *
While the agreement purports to settle matters between the two adversaries, the agreement is by definition terminable at will, so to speak.
It thus remains unclear if either party can be relied upon to uphold their end of the bargain.
